i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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