Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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