wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
