Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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