the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
