If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
