i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
