So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
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she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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