see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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