well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
