The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
