Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
