Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
