Betty ford says i'm here all night
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
