Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
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Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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