I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
