when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
