seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
