Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.