sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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