my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He better not be in your backpack
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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