Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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