you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
