So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
