his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
