When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
