Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
