So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
