I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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