Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
