You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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