well I can't set my house on fire every night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
