So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
