btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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