She just used a chaser for red wine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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