Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
