i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
