i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
