i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
