Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
