I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
