Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
