I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A bitchslap is in order.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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