I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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