Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
