Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
