Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
