My underwear smells like fireworks.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
