I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
