If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
