Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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