If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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