I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
